Why dealing with referees matters so much
Three reasons that extend beyond a single match:
Reason 1: Your players copy you
When you berate referees as a coach, you give your players permission to do the same. Over a season, this creates a side that constantly argues instead of playing.
Reason 2: Your parents copy you
When you lose your temper on the bench as a coach, you give parents on the sidelines permission to do the same. Which frequently causes problems in youth football.
Reason 3: It achieves nothing
Referees never overturn a decision because of a coach's protests. The only effect of protesting: worsening the mood and collecting bookings for yourself.
Who referees in youth football – and why that is relevant
Youth football matches are often officiated by young or inexperienced referees. Sometimes 14 or 15 years old. Some are refereeing their third match. Some are still players themselves in the U19s.
What this means:
- They make mistakes. More mistakes than an experienced referee.
- They lack confidence. They often react to criticism with defiance or overreaction.
- They do it as volunteers, often for 10–15 euros a match.
Keeping that in mind changes how you handle refereeing errors.
The three phrases you should keep repeating to yourself
Phrase 1: "This is not the defining moment of anyone's life."
Even a clear refereeing error in a youth match is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. Nobody will remember it in five years.
Phrase 2: "The referee is a volunteer."
Just like you. They are trying to do their best. They are not your enemy.
Phrase 3: "My behaviour influences my players."
What you do becomes the norm. If you argue, they will argue.
The most common referee escalation points
Six typical situations and how to handle them:
Situation 1: Incorrect offside call
Your striker cleanly scored a goal, but the referee blows for offside.
What you do NOT do: Run onto the pitch, shout, throw your arms up.
What you do: Take a deep breath. Settle down players who are also protesting. "Stay focused and play on."
Why: The ref will not change the decision anyway. You only waste time and break your own focus.
Situation 2: Clear foul not given
Your player is clearly fouled, but the ref waves play on.
What you do NOT do: Shout "Foul!" or insult the referee.
What you do: Encourage your players to keep going. "Play on! Stay focused!"
Why: Stopping play because you expect a foul only hurts your own side.
Situation 3: Penalty given to the opposition that never was
The ref points to the spot, your side is appalled.
What you do NOT do: Wag your finger at the referee, protest loudly.
What you do: Settle your team down. "We deal with the goal and get on with it. Stay focused."
Why: You cannot prevent the penalty now anyway. If your team collapses mentally now, more goals will follow.
Situation 4: Repeatedly biased or one-sided decisions
Throughout the entire match, the referee blows against your side.
What you do NOT do: Approach or confront the referee at half-time.
What you do: If strictly necessary – say calmly at half-time: "Ref, it feels quite tough for our lads today." No confrontation, just a quiet remark. Nothing more.
Why: Referees often notice it themselves. A calm remark can have an effect. Aggressive confrontation only makes it worse.
Situation 5: The referee makes a clear match-management error
E.g., allowing play to continue while an injured player is down.
What you do: Point out the injured player clearly and calmly. "Ref, player down!" – that is legitimate and necessary.
Why: This is about player safety, not officiating decisions.
Situation 6: The referee seems out of their depth
A young ref taking charge of their first match, nervous, making numerous mistakes.
What you do NOT do: Exploit it, pile on pressure, throw insults.
What you do: If anything – say briefly at the final whistle: "First match? Keep your chin up. We all had to start somewhere."
Why: You help a young referee stay in the game. In doing so, you help youth football as a whole.
What you should actually be doing on the bench as a coach
Three behavioural principles:
Principle 1: Coach your own team, not the referee
When you speak, speak to your team. About what they should be doing. Not about what the ref should have done.
Principle 2: Control your body language
Just as important as words. Flailing your arms, shaking your head, or rolling your eyes sends aggressive signals. Even without a word spoken.
Principle 3: Move on immediately after controversial incidents
Your side needs you. Players look over at the bench. If you escalate, they escalate. If you stay calm, the team refocuses.
How to manage your team's behaviour
Three things you should establish within the team:
Point 1: A clear rule at the start of the season
"No arguing with the referee. Period. Anyone who argues gets subbed off."
Clearly communicated, strictly enforced.
Point 2: Lead by example
If you shout, the players feel they can too. You are the role model.
Point 3: Correct player behaviour on the spot
If a player argues, step in immediately. "Tim, play on. Stop talking."
If repeated: substitute them. Consistency creates learning.
Dealing with the referee before and after the match
Before the match
Introduce yourself briefly. "Hello, coach of [team]. Have a good match." Nothing more. No instructions, no demands.
After the match
Shake hands. "Thanks for refereeing." Even after controversial matches. You don't have to mean it from the bottom of your heart, but do it.
With young referees, offer an encouraging word where appropriate: "First match? You did well." They are often teenagers volunteering their time.
When you genuinely had an issue with the referee
Sometimes matches feature genuinely dreadful refereeing decisions with real consequences (a loss, player injury). In that case:
Step 1: Do not escalate during the match
Even when it's hard. Escalation never helps.
Step 2: Stay calm after the final whistle
Sleep on it first.
Step 3: Take the official route
If serious (e.g., the referee insulted a player): contact the league association via your club management. In writing, factual and objective.
Confrontations on the pitch or messaging the referee directly via WhatsApp: never. It only makes things worse.
Special case: parents abusing the referee
Parents behind the dugout are hurling abuse at the referee. What do you do?
Step 1: Send a clear signal
Turn around. "Please stop that. That's not how we speak here."
Step 2: If it doesn't stop
Speak to your assistant coach or club official. "This cannot continue."
Step 3: After the match
Speak to the parents involved. "That was inappropriate in front of our children and unfair to the ref. Please handle it differently next time."
Referees are sometimes targeted by parents. If you tolerate it as a coach, you are complicit.
When YOU are booked by the referee
Sometimes it happens: you receive a yellow, perhaps even a second yellow. What then?
Immediately afterwards
Accept it. "Fair enough, ref." Don't argue – it only makes matters worse.
After the match
Once calm: shake hands, apologise briefly. "I got too emotional. Sorry about that."
Before the next match
If suspended: serve the touchline ban. Assistant coach takes charge.
Self-reflection
What triggered you? How can you handle it differently next time?
How youth coaches develop over the long term
Coaches with 10 years of experience often have a completely different relationship with referees than novices. Three insights that come with time:
Insight 1: Referees are your allies
Referees want a good match. Just like you. Anyone viewing the referee as an opponent misunderstands the role.
Insight 2: Bad decisions even out
Over a full season, poor decisions even themselves out. Sometimes they go against you, sometimes against the opposition. Over the course of the season, it balances out.
Insight 3: Matches are decided by players, not referees
If you regularly lose matches "because of the ref", you have a perception problem. Matches are decided on the pitch.
How Coach OS helps with mental preparation
Coach OS cannot replace managing referee interactions. But structured session planning gives you mental composure on matchday.
When you feel that "we are well prepared and the side is settled", you react very differently to refereeing decisions than when you're inwardly stressed. Composure comes from preparation.
Coach OS provides the preparation. What you make of it in the dugout is up to you.
Frequently asked questions about dealing with referees
Conclusion: Professional referee management sets great coaches apart
When you deal with referees professionally as a coach, you improve team morale, help parents on the touchline keep calm, and support young referees in staying in the game.
Over a season, this pays dividends. You earn respect as a coach, your team is recognised for good sportsmanship, and your club runs into fewer refereeing disputes.
None of this happens overnight. But every season offers a fresh opportunity to become that bit more professional.
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